The Re-Read.

Why are we so attached to it all?

Convince ourselves it’s a reflection of our virtue and merit. Proof of our prominence and imperishability. 

Words on a page. 

Maybe we were kids, told we were going to be great by someone much taller, with spittle in their teeth, knuckles curled around a crumpled piece of junior writing. ‘You read years ahead of your age’. ‘You’re prolific.’ ‘You could be great.’ Said, always, with that deep golden appreciation you spend the first ten years of your life chasing. What do you hear, with little kids ears? ‘I love you,’ I think, is how it sounds. 

Black on white is all. 

They say old habits die hard. And those are the oldest habits of them all. The stuff you learned in your spongiest and most absorbent years. When the art gets wrung out of you that's the dirt that comes out with the soap suds. 

How can we make bad art (and thus any art at all) if we convince ourselves the continuation of our legacy, and our worthiness as humans hangs in the balance?

This reminds me of how I felt, just a week ago, looking at my first post on this blog. When I’d woken up that morning, a blog had been just a twinkle in my eye, a dream caught by the side of my bed, but I was looking at the whole page come to sparkling life before me. Why was I so unsatisfied?

‘But it doesn't sound like insert-the-greatest-american-novelier-here.’

It truly is just ink on paper. 

I sometimes think kids' ears are still tucked into the adult ones that grow. You run your tongue along baby teeth when you least expect to. I read my article with little kids eyes, and all that little girl could hear were the ‘I love you’s’. Except they sounded a lot more like: ‘Why have we never read any of your stuff?’ ‘When can we hear what you’ve been working on?’

I saw all my failings. 

I saw the difference between where I was, and where I should be.

The gap between what I read like and what I wish it read like was glaringly apparent. ‘Why are you not there yet?’ (and it’s Shakespeare or Donna Tartt or Ocean Vuong).

This project is not about managing anyone else’s expectations. It was supposed to be, truly, the antithesis of expectation. A blank canvas is too scary, so to facilitate the first wiggle it’s washed with ochre across the whole sheet. And yet, now I’ve been sitting on this posted piece of unsatisfactory nonsense, feeling the familiar pinpricks of self doubt. I’m left wondering if the colour wash helped at all.

There is no should be, but that should is baked into those baby teeth. 

It’s just me, talking to the void. There are no listeners. Posting this, despite all reservations,  will be proof of that. A working colour wash. You have to make your work exist first. You can make it better later. The truth is, although it might feel like you have to make something to make your lineage proud, or shock the entire generation into awe and adoration, your worth is in no way mitigated by what you put out. It’s just if you have something stuck in your head, and you hear it all the time. The silence might appreciate the company of noise. 

It’s just you and the words. 

It’s only the words.

Never stop never being perfect,

H.G. Lightly x

Inspiration Nation

This week I have been inspired by some brilliant animators on tiktok. I'm unsure about putting any of their work up on here, even though I dont think it goes against copyright or anything. If anyone knows anything about that let me know. 

Each persons personal style makes me feel better about my work not looking or sounding like anyone else's.

Creation Station

Welcome to the creation station! This is were i share some of my work, if any, that I have made this week.

Already, before the first piece of work I’ve made has EVER come out, I’m worried it’s unacceptable! Despite my belief that no one will read these pages - not at least already, with only one article out thus far - I still have that fear.

But here it is, anyway.

I was lucky enough to get an ipad over the weekend last week, and so drew my own background for it, above.

The other thing I made, another background, was for this very page you're reading. I'm sure I'll change it to something else soon, but I like it enough for now.

I also have been trying my hand at t-shirt printing, I'm excited to make some super cool designs soon.

Starting

Surprise, surprise, I have been waiting to start this.  Waiting for the best way to begin. Waiting for inspiration to hit, flow state to arrive.

But this is what we must learn together, 

IF YOU DO NOT START YOU DO NOT START.

There is no point wishing you life away thinking about all the amazing things you know you could do. 

Now, obviously, you know that. You’ve probably sat in front of a hundred different projects with a tool in your hand, thinking about the opportunities you’ll miss, the satisfaction you can't get elsewhere, the marks you might lose if you keep leaving work till last second. You’re thinking, ‘perfectionist, of course you have to start the thing to finish it’. And to that I say, of course, you’re right. 

But how.

It can feel like an insurmountable mountain, when you are staring at the project due, or thinking about the end result. 

You’re standing at the foot of the matterhorn, watching the clouds float past its jagged tip. 

But, what I’ve found, is that you need to do the absolute EASIEST thing, first. This way, instead of climbing an Alpine mountain, or starting the hike, or even taking a step, all you are doing… is wiggling your toes.

I know, I know it sounds miniscule, but the point is (and you have to forget this when you are starting, so as not to put any pressure on the second and tertiary steps) it grows as you go. First it's the wiggle of the toe, then the whole foot, then the leg, and eventually you’ve gotten to the first step. And everyone knows how it goes from there, one food in front of the other. The walk you are currently not doing. So, heed my words. For now, just a wiggle. Only the wiggle. Let the wiggle be.

Now, what does this translate to? In my life, there's a lot of writing, or studying, so my main objective is just to open the laptop. When things feel impossible, or you know you are putting off beginning something because you are scared it will be too difficult, but you have to get that first foot off the ground, I wiggle my toes by just opening the damn laptop. I don't have to do anything on it. Just open it. 

Often this, in and of itself, is enough to get some juices flowing. Because that's what the wiggle does. It gets the blood flow of the project started, even if it's a slow, clotted sludge on day 1. 

And maybe I’ll open the laptop, remind myself of the task at hand, maybe it won't go any further than that, I’ll think, ahh it's still too much, I have to do this and this and that, I will have to just move on tomorrow.
But sometimes, sometimes, the black metal cracks open, and the screen lets out its soft glow, and I can hear the low hum of sims trying to start in the background, the pads of my fingers find purchase on the letters, the project blossoms before me, opening almost by itself. And sometimes, the blank page stares at and sweet talks me, till I'm moved, and the mountain is forgotten, and a few little black words spill themselves like seeds across the screen. 

Eventually the little spill of words is a whole paragraph, and after that an article, or somesuch. 

But, it doesn't have to be. 9 times out of 10, the whole thing gets to be too much, and I have to close it down, tell myself I’ll open it tomorrow. 

The beautiful thing about this mindset, if you can ride out past the first wave, is that after you’ve wiggled a couple times, its easy. It's almost boring. And you're reading to move the whole foot, ankle joint turning, sometimes even a knee kick. You want the next steps because you’re comfortable with the first.

It kind of all snowballs, especially if you can get to wiggling once a day, or even a couple times a week. It’s just a softer blow each time, because you’ve made a little progress, you see the first few words and you write the next few, you’ve gotten to grips with the fact that starting this project is not the same as being chased by a bear, and does not require the same nervous system meltdown. You want the next steps because you feel safe with the first. 

So today, I started. I wiggled my toes, and wrote the first post.

And you are all witness to its possibleness.

It exists, despite its imperfectness, and that’s all I’m trying to do. 

Never stop never being perfect,

Holly G. Lightly x

P.S.

I think for the following weeks, I will have sections in the blog, subject to change, and my whimsy, of course:

Based on the name:

Introductory writing (perhaps as seen above).

Inspiration nation

Some of my favourite inspiration/obsessions of the moment. 

Creation station

Something I've made based on that inspiration

What have I done this week? 

A section about what I'm currently working on.

What have you done this week?

A conclusionary sentence or two asking for you guys to comment and add your art!

Okay, go be terrible artists, I’m right behind you!